


I AM BROKEN, CAS

by cooloddball



Series: DESTIEL FIRSTS, CONFESSIONS AND TRUTHS [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Beer, Blow Jobs, Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, Cas in sweatpants, Castiel being a protective boyfriend, Chuck is a bigger dick, Dean Winchester has some confessions, Domestic Fluff, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, Feelings, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Smut, There may be some tears, Whiskey - Freeform, john winchester is a dick, use of homophobic slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:00:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26568442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cooloddball/pseuds/cooloddball
Summary: Dean has a dark confession to make.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: DESTIEL FIRSTS, CONFESSIONS AND TRUTHS [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1932199
Comments: 4
Kudos: 81





	I AM BROKEN, CAS

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my beta @geewobbles for your input and feedback.  
> Any errors are my own.
> 
> Note: This fic can be read on its own but for those who want to understand it better and see how the story ends, read the entire series.

Dean stirred in his sleep, he was hot and there was sweat running down his back. He opened his eyes while trying to get the covers off his naked body and was met by a pair of beautiful blue orbs staring back at him. Cas’ hand was around his waist.

“Hey,” Cas said, voice gruff as if he had just woken up. He pulled the heavy duvet off of Dean but left a bed sheet covering them both. He figured that since the adrenaline of the throws of passion they had been entangled in earlier had waned off, Dean might not be comfortable in his nakedness.

“Hey,” Dean responded while rubbing his eyes, “thanks for that.” He said pointing to the duvet that had pooled at the foot of the bed. Cas acknowledged him with a smile while running his hand up and down Dean’s back and waist, it was soothing.

“How are you feeling?”Cas asked, his eyes meeting clear green ones. He seemed happy. That made Cas’ heart flutter at the idea that even amidst all the chaos he had made Dean happy.

“Well rested. Happy even,” Dean responded with a smile adorning his face.  
“I’m glad to hear it. With everything that is going on…”

“Shh...No talk of Chuck or whatever. I want to enjoy you,” Dean said discarding the bedsheet and climbing on top of Cas’ body and canted his hips.

“Dean...uhh” Cas moaned.

“I want you, so bad,” Dean whispered against Cas’ ear and nibbled at his earlobe. The sensations sent goosebumps down Cas’ back. Their cocks were starting to perk up and the position of Cas’ cock was starting to get uncomfortable from how they were positioned, the tip nudging at Dean’s thigh.

Cas gripped Dean’s hips and stilled him and sat up attempting to flip them over so that Dean was laid down on the bed. Dean resisted and pushed Cas on the bed so he was laying down again and Dean pinned his hands above his head.

“Your turn,” Dean said matter of factly as he began to kiss Cas’ full pink lips. Cas did not have a single fight left in his body so he obliged.

Cas was taken off guard when Dean pushed his tongue inside his hot, welcoming mouth, and he inhaled sharply as if to hold his breath and not let this moment go. He was tempted to hold Dean’s head and return the kiss but he gave in adhering to Dean’s command to keep his hands to himself. He returned the kiss with so much passion and lust, chasing Dean’s mouth but hating the fact that he could not touch him.

  
Cas flickered his tongue inside Dean’s mouth relishing every bit of the warmth and softness inside fighting for dominance over him. But he lost.  
Dean was still straddling Cas’ hips and he felt his cock come to life; he licked his lips. He had been waiting for 11 years for this moment. He wanted to show Cas what his mouth could do. He wanted to suck him till he came with his name the only taste on his lips. He licked his lips again and sucked on Cas’ nipples, remembering what had happened earlier, and lapped at the tiny hard buds. Cas shuddered and that seemed to motivate Dean to go down further licking and sucking on his skin until Cas was a whimpering mess.

  
Without warning, Dean flicked his tongue on the tip of Cas’ cock and chuckled when he felt him shudder.

  
Cas shuddered and moaned a little too desperately as he felt his cock enveloped in the hot wet heat of Dean’s mouth. He had sucked the head and lapped his tongue ever so expertly, licking the pre-come and the underside of the head as he jerked him. Then without warning, he had swallowed him whole.

  
Dean could feel the head of Cas’ cock hit the back of his throat as he applied vacuum-like suction moving up and down. Somehow, his tongue was moving along the length of his impossibly hard cock, he was so hard he thought it would break if Dean tried to navigate it in any direction.

  
There was so much going on that he thought he was losing his mind; Dean was sucking, lapping his tongue on the head, hands fondling his balls, caressing his inner thighs, jerking him. A few times Dean had looked up at him under hooded eyes. The green had been swallowed by his pupils and his long lashes fluttered beautifully and laid on his freckled cheeks when he closed his eyes. Dean’s lips were wet and plump, and when he made that humming sound at the back of his throat, Cas almost came. It was all too much.

  
Cas was awed at how good Dean’s mouth felt, and he was embarrassed at how fast he felt that familiar coil of heat to release in his belly. Dean felt Cas’ balls tighten and knew he was close. He did the one thing that he knew could send any man over the edge, angel, and human alike. He caressed Cas’ perineum and that did it.

  
Dean felt Cas say his name, his voice deeper than usual, “Dean.” That was it and soon there was that tangy taste of come at the back of his throat. Cas’ hips were bucking up to meet his mouth, and he just knelt there and let it happen. Once he was sure that Cas was done, he pumped his now leaking cock thrice and he came on his hand, and some of it hit Cas’ inner thigh. That seemed to startle Cas.

  
“Dean, I could’ve returned the favour,” he said out of breath attempting to sit up. Their eyes met and Dean had this look on his face, a frown from pleasure, and his beautiful mouth hung open in the most beautiful way Cas had ever seen. He just stared at him until he came out of his high.

  
“It’s fine, Cas.”

  
Cas nodded and reached for the tissues on the bedside table and cleaned them both. After they were both clean, he pulled Dean to his side and kissed his temple while caressing his back.

  
“That was amazing,” he said between kisses to Dean’s temple. “I love you so much.”

  
Dean didn’t respond and Cas felt wetness on his chest and Dean’s body shaking. Dean was crying. Something dark tugged at Cas’ chest. _Had he hurt Dean? Had he said something that set him off?_ He had never been sure about Dean’s emotions; he was cool one minute and hot the second but they had gotten past that, or so he had thought, after that prayer purgatory things had changed; they had each other, all of each other, so what was the matter?

  
Cas had learned a long time ago that when Dean was like this, it was best to let him be. However, this time he wouldn’t just walk away and give him time, he would hold him until he was okay. He would make him feel safe. Cas continued holding Dean, rocking him in his arms while caressing his back in a soothing motion. Dean seemed to like it so Cas kissed his hair and every part of his face he could reach. He also reached for the box of tissues on his side of the bed and handed them to Dean. He had attempted to wipe Dean’s tears, but he had looked away and buried his head deeper into Cas’ chest. So Cas had let him be and continued with his ministrations of soothing touches and tender kisses.

  
It had taken a while, but Dean had finally stopped crying and only a few shudders were racking his body now. Cas thought that it was safe to talk to him.

  
“Dean,” it was all Cas could say. He couldn’t think of anything better to say since he was not sure whether he was the cause of Dean’s breakdown.

  
“What...what time is it?” Dean asked in a shaky voice but cleared his throat to hide that fact.

  
“Sometime past 10 O’clock,” Cas said looking at Dean. His eyes were downcast but when Cas answered him, he looked up with red-rimmed eyes with so much pain behind them that it broke Cas’ heart.

  
“Can we order some food? I’m starving,” he rearranged himself so he was more comfortable on Cas’ chest with no intention of letting go of Cas from the way he held onto him.

  
“I already ordered three pizza’s, pepperoni with extra cheese and bacon, just the way you like it.”

  
“When?” Dean looked at him with a shocked expression and a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

  
“When you were sleeping. I knew you would be hungry when you woke up.”

  
“Cas, I don’t deserve you.” Dean’s voice was starting to get shaky.

  
“Hey, hey, hey. Dean, look at me. You deserve everything good in this world. Everything. If it is me you need, I am here. Whatever you need, I will get it for you. Anything.”

  
Dean nodded and wiped a single tear that had slipped down his cheek. Cas could see more tears welling in his forest green eyes but he just held Dean and kissed his hair as if assuring him that he had his back, always.

  
“Let’s go eat before I die from starvation,” Dean said after a few minutes of sniffling and clearing his throat. Cas handed him his boxers and T-shirt which were neatly folded on the side of the bed. Dean looked at him and shook his head. Cas smiled and was about to put on his suit when Dean went to his drawer and got a T-shirt and sweatpants for him. Cas took them without any resistance and they dressed in silence. Cas caught Dean ogling him after he was fully dressed. Dean winked at him and Cas’ cheeks turned rosy from where he was blushing when Dean smacked his ass.

***

They were seated in the kitchen opposite each other sipping beer, two boxes of pizza empty, the third one still unopened. They were reminiscing about _normal_ things that had happened during their hunts. Dean was laughing so hard he snorted beer up his nose, tears of joy welling in his eyes. He was clutching his chest from laughing too hard when Cas told him how a woman had tried flirting with him by complimenting his trenchcoat.

  
“She said, _‘cool coat’_ and I responded _‘it’s actually rather warm.’_ You should’ve seen her face.”

  
“You are such an angel,” Dean said after calming down from his fit of laughter.

  
“I killed her later though. She was a Nephilim and Metatron...anyway, those were simpler times.”

  
“Yeah.”

  
After a beat, Cas was sure that Dean was loose enough, in a manner of speaking, from the beer, a full belly, and fits of laughter to ask about what had happened in the bedroom. He swallowed hard and ran a hand through his hair and went for it.

  
“Dean, what happened earlier. I am sorry if I hurt you...it was not my intention,” Cas said eyeing Dean and playing with the condensation on his beer bottle.  
Dean seemed taken aback and the smile on his face faded, his shoulders tensed and he seemed guarded.

  
“Cas, it wasn’t you. It’s just, us, having sex, making love took me back to darker days,” Dean took another sip of his beer, looked at Cas’ confused blue eyes which were studying him, and scoffed.

  
“It’s nothing,” he continued but Cas didn’t believe him.

  
“Dean,” Cas started, reaching for Dean’s hand and holding it in his. “You can talk to me. I am your best friend in the whole world. And you are mine. The end of the world is imminent, we only have each other...you, me, Sam, Jack. So, don’t spend the little time we have left shouldering your pain, talk to me. Please.”  
“I...I don’t want to burden you with it, Cas,” he said, playing with the label on his beer.

  
“You. Have. Never. And. Will. Never. Be. A. Burden. To. Me.” Cas said as if speaking to a child or someone who would not understand him if he spoke like a grown-up. He looked intently at Dean’s sorrowful eyes and he could’ve sworn he saw them soften.

  
Somehow, Cas’ words had gotten to Dean and he poured his heart out.

  
“It’s my dad,” Dean said.

  
“Your dad? What about him?” Cas was confused about what John Winchester, a man who had died over a decade ago had to do with this.

  
“My dad...he..uh _*laugh*_ he sent me away sometimes,” Dean walked to the fridge to get them a couple more beers.

  
“Like when he sent you away and you ended up at Sonny’s?” Cas asked.

  
“Yeah, but this was different. He...uh..he found magazines of...uh...naked men under my bed. You know, gay porn and he uh...he...let’s just say I was homeless for six months.”

  
Cas gave Dean the sad puppy eyes and head tilt of his and Dean regretted opening his mouth. But this was Cas, he was his best friend and boyfriend. _Were they boyfriends now?_

  
As Cas had said, the end was nigh and he needed to let go of all his pain. If Cas was going to be his confessor and absolve him of all his pain and regrets then so be it. Luckily the interrupting Moose was not around to hear this because it would break him.

  
Dean sat down on the kitchen bench and slid a beer to Cas.

  
“He wasn’t too thrilled with my...uh..perversions...he called it,” Dean continued from where he had left off.

  
“How old were you?”

  
“I had just turned seventeen, I only had my driver’s license and the clothes on my back. I had to survive on food people threw away at diners and work odd jobs at places that would allow kids to work. The pay was shit and I slept under bridges, junkyards...filthy motels. I remember once I almost got crushed by a crusher while I slept at the junkyard. Luckily the operator heard my screams and stopped,” he took another sip of the beer and laughed, sadness brewing in his eyes.

  
“Did your dad ever come for you?” Cas asked, his voice breaking. He cleared his throat to hide it.

  
“No. After that, the junkyard incident, I saved some money and took a bus to Bobby’s. He sheltered me for a while and then talked to dad. Dad was adamant and said he couldn’t let a _fag_ back into his house," Dean laughed, his voice catching in his throat as he looked at the kitchen where the pans hang and took another sip of his beer. Cas felt a tear snake its way down his cheek. He wiped it quickly before Dean saw it.

  
“Dean,” is all Cas could say. Dean felt every emotion behind Cas calling his name and he was grateful. Since he had opened this can of worms, he needed a stiffer drink to get him through it.

  
“We are going to need a stiffer drink if I am going to tell you this crappy story,” he got up and walked to the library to get the decanter and two glasses from the whiskey shelf. His dead-guy robe hung loosely on his body, and it made Cas miss his trenchcoat.

  
Once Dean was settled back on the bench opposite Cas and poured the dark liquid into their tumblers, he took one swig and poured himself another. Cas left his untouched.

  
“Sammy threw a tantrum and said if I wasn’t going back home, he would run away, so dad let me back home on the condition that I would stop being a _fag_ . He had burned my magazines and somehow got rid of my best friend Lee.”

  
“Were you and Lee together?” Cas asked, remembering that this was the second time that Dean had mentioned Lee in a span of two days.

  
Dean toyed with his tumbler and said, “ in a way, yes. He was my first boy crush. He was the first boy I ever kissed, and we jerked off together a few times. But we weren’t together. At least not officially. I went home with dad and Sammy and we never spoke of it again. I had to pretend to be a good son whenever dad was around. He stuck around the whole of that year, I think he was looking out for me in a sense because he would stay home with us and he didn’t hunt for months. The only time he left us, was when he heard that yellow eyes, Azazel had been sighted, but even then he left us with Bobby and...uh, he threatened to shoot him if I strayed.”

  
Dean took another swig but didn’t pour himself another drink. Cas still hadn’t touched his. He had this sullen look on his face and his eyes had turned a stormy grey. He looked like he was ready for war.

  
“Too much Cas?” Dean asked.

  
“No Dean. I just...I didn’t know how much you endured.”

  
“Well...that’s not all. Have I told you how I _whored_ myself for money?” Dean said feigning a laugh but Cas could hear the pain behind it.

  
“Dean,” Cas said, tears threatening again but he had to be strong for Dean. He had asked about his pain so he had to man up, listen, and be there for him.

  
Dean had this weird look on his face like he was disgusted with himself. Cas reassured him by holding his hand again but Dean retrieved his own shortly after. Cas left his hand outstretched on the table as if saying to Dean, _“I am here and I'm not going anywhere.”_

  
“Long story short, when I turned eighteen, I don’t know if dad forgot about what had transpired the previous year, he started leaving me alone with Sammy. Sometimes he would leave us for a few days, a week max. But sometimes, he was gone for months. Bobby was also mostly away on hunts or helping other hunters, he was getting older and had his own crap to deal with, so I stopped seeking help from him. I was a man, and when the money dad left us was depleted and we needed to pay for the motels or Sammy needed money for a science fair and food, I had to find a way to make it work.”

  
Dean poured himself whiskey but didn’t drink it.

  
He continued, “I hustled pool and played poker sometimes but when I lost and didn’t have money for food, I would look for odd jobs like washing dishes in a diner, but as I said, the pay was shit. So what is a guy to do? I had to look out for Sammy, so I...uh...I would fuck women and blow guys for money. The pay was good so I kept at it till Sammy went off to college.”

  
“Is that why you...cried earlier?” Cas asked, his hand still outstretched on the table. He wanted to break something, most of all, he wanted to stab Dean’s dick of a father, John Winchester who did not deserve to be in Heaven after everything he had put Dean through. The other dick he wanted to stab was his own father, Chuck for putting Dean in that situation in the first place. It took all his grace for him not to scream and break something.

  
Dean nodded, “It took me back to those days. When I felt dirty. Not that you made me feel that way. God Cas, you were amazing and I need you to know giving you that blow job was a choice that I made and loved.”

  
Dean stretched his hand and entwined his fingers with Cas’ as if to reassure him. Cas understood.

  
“Dean I am so sorry. I had no idea. I wish there was something I could do.”

  
“No, Cas. Telling you has made me feel lighter. Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and that empty hole in my chest is finally full.”  
“I’m glad I somehow contributed to your healing.”

  
“Thank you for listening.”

  
“Of course, Dean.”

  
“Now, what do you say we hit the hay. We have another day of research tomorrow,” Dean said holding his tumbler up as he stood up. Cas followed suit and he did the same.

  
“To a better tomorrow even if some of us are so broken and cannot be fixed,” Dean said.

  
“Dean,” Cas said with those sad puppy eyes again.

  
“I am broken. There’s no fixing this,” Dean was adamant.

  
Cas would have responded but arguing with Dean at that moment wouldn’t have done them any good, so they clinked their tumblers together and downed their whiskey in one swig.

  
They busied themselves with putting the leftovers and alcohol away. Cas told Dean to go get comfortable in bed and he would join him after cleaning up the kitchen but Dean refused and helped him clean up. When they were done, they walked hand in hand to Dean’s bedroom. When they reached the door, Cas gave Dean the biggest bear hug Dean has ever received.

  
“You are not broken, Dean. But even so, I will spend the rest of whatever life we have left making you feel whole again,” Cas said holding Dean so tight that Dean was afraid he might break, this time literally, but the wholesome feeling he got knowing Cas meant every word made his heart flutter.


End file.
